revised seven deadly sins essay

Here is a revised draft of my Seven Deadly sins essay. I have tried to make the story line of the paper flow together more, so that one random event does not just happen after another. I have also tried to make it so that the reader knows exactly when a specific event is happening, after one occurs I made it obvious by saying "and this concluded the completion of the sin of ___ ." or I stated that an event was happening in the form of a sin, for example .. "In anger,". I think this has made the paper easier to follow and holds a better concept than the previous one.
 Taylor Dreste

7 deadly sins draft

            The seven deadly sins are Sloth, envy, gluttony, wrath, lust, pride, and greed, some how, at seventeen year old Sally Sue’s seventeenth birthday party at High Fields park, all seven of these were successfully committed. Sally had a boyfriend named Frederick.

Jim was sitting on the bench that was across from the pond. It was a very hot day out and Sally decided to go for a swim with her guests. Jim was staring strangely at Sally; he thought that Sally looked beautiful, even though his wife Cristal was at home cooking dinner for him and his family. This moment indicated that Jim was performing the sin of Lust.  Jim could not take his eyes off of Sally. Suddenly Frederick entered the pond and Jim realized that Frederick was her boyfriend. Jim was very jealous of Frederick because he was together with the girl he could not take his eyes off of indicating the act of envy.   In Wrath and anger, Jim walked over to Frederick and told him that this pond has reached its maximum capacity. Frederick argued that that was a lie and hardly anybody was swimming in it, angered Jim punched Frederick and then fled the scene.

            Meanwhile Sally’s good friend Henry was fishing in the river, he had been fishing since the party had begun and had not one single bite. After about two hours of trying to catch, Henry made one last cast before he decided to call it a day. On his last catch he caught a huge fish, weighing around 15 pounds and about a foot and a half long. Henry ran back to the pavilion and showed off his fish to the whole party. He took dignity in the fish that he caught showing off his egotistical attitude towards his catch. He unknowingly had just committed the deadly sin of Pride.  

                It was about quarter to nine and Sally’s guests were extremely hungry. Sally had not prepared much food; she threw a few boxes of frozen French fries and frozen macaroni and cheese in the microwave and served it to her guests. She was too lazy to prepare a real meal for her guests. All of the food served at her party came from a box or can. By preparing such an easy crappy meal for her guests Sally herself had committed the deadly sin of Sloth. The guests still all indulged in the food. Regardless of how it was prepared they were all starving. The food was vanished within a half hour; they had not been served for the whole picnic. Every person engulfed as much food as their stomach could hold indicating the act of gluttony.

            After dinner everybody decided to go on the play ground nearby. Not far away, Sally spotted a man near the parking lot. He seemed very rich pulling up in his brand new 2010 Mercedes. Performing the sin of greed, he walked up to another old man fishing in the pond near the parking lot. He then told the old man how he was in need of money to eat this evening. The old man told him that he was full of himself; he clearly had enough money by the looks of his clothes, appearance and car. Sally thought over and over again in her head as to why he would go ask a little old man for money when he looked like he already had plenty?

            Sally’s picnic was nearing a close and all the guests were going home. The day and night were very eventful and all seven of the deadly sins had been successfully committed.